A few days back I had one of those days where everything you can possibly imagine goes wrong.
It started with me missing my bus and right after it, missing my bus stop which made me walk twice the distance to work.
Yes, I was not happy, but nevertheless I carry on, went to work, walked through those gates with the same enthusiasm of not knowing how my day was going to be – although I do have some sort of idea, but my mindset is always the same: expect the unexpected which is for me a far more challenging mindset and inevitably puts a smile on my face.
As the day went through my enthusiasm dwindled and I finished my working day disheartened and feeling more alone than usual. I just wanted to go back home and find my ground. And settle my thoughts.
When I finally settled and quieted them thoughts I started to follow the succession of events from that day and everything made sense. The inescapable conclusion was in front of my eyes and it was simple: my time at that work was over. I did not want to see it straight away; as a fact part of my brain was asking, almost shouting for a bit of peace and quiet to process everything, but the other side of the brain was asking for more with a louder voice hence it would silence it.
Once I arrived at this conclusion of game over the subsequent feelings followed suit. “I’m not good at it”. “If I was good at it, probably they would hire me directly instead of keeping me working as a contractor”” I should have taken more chances” “What / when / where did it go wrong?” And I felt tears rolling down my cheeks.
Immediately afterwards I started to think what I am going to do for money; thought again on putting my stuff for sale on how to do it; to catch up with my CV and sort out my pile of papers; apply for part time jobs and juggle everything in between.
You may say “right, tell me something I don’t know already; we all go through that path!”
To what I say: after all that thinking, I realised I did not think about the most important thing: my family. I did not think straight away “well, I can take this time to be there for them, to be more present”. I did not think “now I got this time out I can spend more time with my little one sorting out the patio, playing games or else when he is back from School”.
And that made me feel awful.
At this point I don’t know what made me feel worse: the realisation that I was going to be on the hunt for a job yet again or the awareness that I was running on a hamster wheel and lost sight of what it is important, what truly nurtures me: my family.
It was a slap on both cheeks, I tell you. Hard ones. Sometimes you do need them, so you can re-focus and stop the autopilot and be more attuned to the surroundings. I want to be present once again, and feel the precious weight of that word, and allow life to meet me so I can greet her on the here and now.
- Swa (Thus) and Ongietan (to understand, perceive) are both part of what is called Old English Core vocabulary.